I have a wide range of interests, things that would get me out and a whole host of things I want to achieve but I have not the finances to indulge in them. Having a limited lifestyle has a severe knock on effect to everything else and damages your confidence and your abilities.
Recent conversations remind me there are people who have only ever known the poor version of me. So all they see is someone who doesn't go out, doesn't go on holiday. Never wants to see a film or go out to dinner or that drinks night out. And I'd almost forgotten that I am a very different person to one I was 5 or 6 years ago. Current circumstances (those I've been putting up with for four years now) mean I don't do very much with my life anymore. And the less I do, the less I want to do. And then the more cynical and angry I get and then I just beat myself up about it.
It also means when I'm doubting people and situations and worried about things which ordinarily don't get to me or I could at least rationalise. They become magnified because real life isn't there to put things into perspective.
One or two recent events have made me feel very badly about myself. My confidence has been zapped and that in turn reflects on all the other flaws in my life. If nothing else it makes me want to fight back, to do something about it. To remind me I don't have to be dragged down by situations that aren't in my control. But temporarily I feel stranded and that makes me frustrated and angry (again).
It won't take much to get me back on track and I am on the precipice of starting something new and big which will change my life for the better. But I feel like I've been waiting forever and letting my life slip away. And that makes me angry (yes it's that word again) at myself. And that feeling never seems to go away.