I always have this fear, when things are going right, that something is about to go catastrophically wrong. It's because I have lived in a perpetual state of things not being quite right. When things are off kilter or the slump happens, it reminds me that life is real, gritty and shit happens. It's something I recognise and to be honest it feels safer if less satisfying.
So when things go very right, I wonder what I am missing. Even though I may have earned that right to be happy - even for just a short time - I am expecting something to be waiting just around the corner to bring me back down to earth. Now this may sound cynical, depressing even, but frankly, it's true.
Today, I am pretty much of the opinion that things can't be this right. I cannot possibly feel this at peace with everything in my life. it just doesn't happen. And even though I think I have earned it (hell yes after the 6 months I've just had to plough through I certainly have) I am very much aware that life happens and there is no time for complacency.
I can barely remember how I felt this time last month, or the month before that. It seems like a lifetime ago since I was wondering what on earth was going on around me an when it was going to end. Now, all the pieces are fitting into the jigsaw.
I like it, I love it, but it scares me because I'm waiting for the bubble to burst and I'm hoping it doesn't.