# 66 Be afraid

Do something new that scares you. It doesn't matter how big or small it is. Its significance is to you and your life. Shake yourself out of your routine, do something daring, odd, different, bizarre or dangerous. But do it. And do it soon. Here endeth the lesson. :)

# 65 Travel

On Monday I went to Stockport for a photoshoot. I love to travel and I actually don’t mind public transport although I will often profess otherwise. It's a genuine excuse to sit still, do nothing and think or sleep or read, or whatever it is I want to do that I rarely get a chance to indulge in. Sometimes I just do nothing and I really enjoy that in an environment where I’m not procrastinating but genuinely unable to get distracted by anything else.

Second to the train (which I like for the views but not the hassle factor) my favourite mode of transport is the car. I absolutely love driving. I love the mechanics of it, the independence it brings, the familiarity of being in something that is yours and has all the stuff in it that you need for that day.

So even though I was typing this on the train to Stockport, it didn’t last because I genuinely wanted to sit and do nothing. It's a state of mine I don't enjoy very often these days. I keep myself very busy, partly because I love what I do. Partly because it stops me from having too long to think about the stuff I can't deal with right now.  I guess I'm just a coward for that.

# 64 Madness is a strange bed fellow

Do you ever feel like you're going slightly or slowly mad - that you haven't quite got a handle on things. And that just as you think you’ve finally worked it out and compartmentalised all those feelings and emotions, something comes along and like 'Kerplunk!' - one pull of those brightly coloured straws and the whole thing seems to go off kilter.

I'm sure I understand very little of what goes on in my life at the moment and there are days when I sit there and think WTF am I doing? Some of the important aspects like work I am pretty sure I am in control of and I’ve got my ethics sorted out and yes I’ve finally worked out who I am. But there are some things I just can't fathom – like people and being able to switch off instead of pointlessly brooding over the stuff I can't change. 

But then is that me? Or is it the rest of the world around me that’s lost the plot? A bigger question perhaps?  

And if it is me, am I the only one or are there lots of us who wake up in the morning and think, yes I think I probably am going slowly mad. It would be more comforting to know that I wasn’t alone in this thought rather than that in 10 years time I’m going to be in some mental institution somewhere – a rising star that just missed out due to insanity.

The thought of losing control really worries me. I’d hate to go mad, lose grip on reality. Perhaps if I simplified my life I wouldn’t get so worked up. It’s as if I go looking for trouble. I’m like a magnet for complication. I don’t expect to swan through life not having any hassle, truly. It doesn’t work out like that. But I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve everything I get. I wasn’t THAT bad was I?