People tell me things about me (I mean the way others see me) and describe me in ways I just don't recognise. In fact, I just don't get most of it and I never have. I'm just being honest okay? Don't berate me for this posting, it is what it is. I will cry if you do.
I am self critical it has to be said and I guess that maybe it gives me a slightly off kilter view of myself but I don't think I'm being that harsh. It's why I use the Bridget Jones analogy. Because I most closely associate myself with that slightly bumbling, accident prone thirty-something who doesn't quite get it. I am not fishing for compliments here so please don't post any. It makes me squirm and I will delete them if you do.
So okay - a few of the usual ones:
Pretty - ummmm quirky I think is the word you're looking for and looking younger than I really am, but not pretty.
Intelligent - not really, I haven't read a book in years, I rarely keep up with the news and I don't hold conversations very well. Throw me into an intellectual debate and I'll flounder like a beached dolphin. Ask me about costume, fashion or my family ancestry though and I'll bore the pants off you. I guess that makes me a geek.
Good at what I do - lots of self doubt there at the moment, it's been an odd couple of months. I'm not the best, I've clearly shown that but I'm hoping it's still a career choice.
I'm not going to list any more because people will start to rant at me. And I hate it when people tell me off for not believing them when they compliment me. Generally I have learnt to just say 'thank you' because it's rude not to.
I will however accept the compliment of being the most honest and trustworthy friend you'll ever know. Those who confide in me and know me well will testify to this and I am happy with that accolade. I think that's probably enough.
So the reason for this post? Self doubt. It's been a heavy couple of months. And I don't quite know where I am at the moment. I'm guessing it's all to do with being at a turning point, having to find my feet in a brave new world and suffering a few insecurities along the way. It sucks. I'm not intending to stay like it, but I guess it's a transitional thing that just happens when your whole way of life changes. I'll get over it, because I have to.